One Big Mas

It's been more than a week since Mas Selamat escaped. A week running around in Singapore without money, food and clothes supposedly. There has been a lot of talk about what's happened, both official and unofficial. Every day we wait for good news. However there has been little and the story has gone from headline, front page news to small sections in the back pages of the main daily. From slight panic to slight nervousness, we have become exhausted from waiting.

Let's add to the mystery of Mas Selamat as we collectively ask 'Where the bloody hell are you?' Well, no harm adding to the terror talk this late in the game I guess.

- I was in a discussion at about 4pm on Wednesday 27 Feb. We were talking about menus. Outside a crowd had gathered to watch a spectacle at Maxwell market. There was a good old fashioned punch-up going on. Some stocky, middle-aged Chinese man was exchanging blows with a younger Indian man. No one knew what the whole thing was about but a crowd was there to separate the men so that further stupidity didn't devolve into more violence. But the few of us believe that the timing and seriousness of the event, in a very public place, was in fact a (drum roll) well thought out diversion for Mas Selamat's escape.

- The minister for home affairs apologised in Parliament for the escape. Here's my problem with - he didn't seem sincere. No real eye contact, statement delivered tersely and factually. When another MP asked why the announcement of the escape took place 4 hours after it happened, the minister said that Mas Selamat was unarmed and didn't pose a threat to the public. Now that's a relief isn't it? But wait, isn't this the bugger who wanted to crash a plane into Changi airport? Of course, we aren't worried.

- So he escaped from the toilet. We're all wondering what this toilet looks like. Does it have bars? Is there a mirror? Does it smell of lavender? Is the cistern detachable just like in Prison Break? All these questions and no real lavatorical answers. And there is speculation he has Petrelli powers - the ability to turn invisible. He simply walked out of there. Too much Heroes, sorry.

- The newspapers reported a "physical breach". Like what's that dude? A hole in the fence? Someone crashed in with a car? If a doctor puts his hand up your arse to check for piles, isn't that a physical breach too?

- I typed "Whitley detention centre" into the search field on streetdirectory.com. I got nothing close. "Detention barracks" was first on the list. The DB, as every NS man would know, is in Kranji. This link however pointed to the Civil Defence Academy in Jalan Bahar. Even more confusion. Anyway, where is this Whitley place? Some of us suspect it is a secret annex of Singapore Chinese Girls School.

- Where could he be? Among the list of suggestions for disguises going around - taxi driver, selling bak kut teh in a kopitiam (no offence intended, valid because no one would expect that) and toilet cleaner. Maybe he is still in that toilet. Maybe the female toilet.

- The detention centre outfit could be reason why he escaped. It is quite unglam. Green-beige top with red-brown trousers. He would look like a secondary school student with bad taste. Don't we have fluorescent Guantanamo orange things to wear? Or sensible old school prison black-white stripes.

- Everyone's favourite website, TalkingCock.com, has released possible hairstyle combinations he might use to pull the wig over our eyes. Such artistic and civic consciousness, good for them.

- Where are the sniffer dogs? Aren't their noses working?

- Someone told me he grew shorter then taller. Reports in the media have listed his height at 1.6m, 1.58m and 1.62m. Ok lah, all about the same but what if he tried on some heels, and now hangs out in Changi Village?

I hope we find him soon. With a pat on the back (good try, brudder) while slap on the cuffs, he'll be a threat no more.