Fart Social Science

I was in the office pantry this morning to get a drink of water when I let one go. A gaseous emission from my anus. A fart to keep it simple and layman. Considering I was alone in a large 5m by 3m by 3m space, I figured that it was green light to rip. Yes, I did have the option to keep it in and fester and trouble my colon. Yes, I did think about as would you have in most "should I or should I not" voluntary bodily function decision-making situations. Yes, I let it rip.

It evacuated my body with slight sound. Satisfied yet indifferent, I proceeded to get a glass of water from the dispenser (a one-third two-third mix of hot and cold). Then a colleague, Simon, walked into the room.

Alarm bells! So at this point, the farter has another decision to make. General post-emission contingencies dictate pretence and a laissez-faire approach to the introduction of native species to the field of emission. This means keeping quiet and hoping for the best. No fingers pointing and no fingers pointed. However, this plan does not work in a bi-occupied space. Come on, it could just you or me, he or she, she and it. In my case, it's worse - simple deductive reasoning and adequate nasal sensitivity on the part of my colleague, the fartee, will put me to blame. The only person in the room must be the criminal.

What I did was admit.
"Hey, i just farted."
"Oh really?"
"Yeah, you should smell it soon."
Sniffs. "No."
"Oh, you should. I smell it already. Whoa."
"Nope."
"You will lah. Fart travels at 20 metres a second."
"Oh really? I didn't know that,"
"Yeah some scientists figured that out."

The last few lines transpired as we both left the pantry.

Here's your takeaway. Even in the afore-described situation, do not give in to blame so quickly. Ask if the intruding party smells something foul (or fowl if you had chicken the night before, haha). If he/she says yes, admit to the crime. You do the crime, be prepared to do the time. If he/she says no (as a result of inadequate nasal sensitivity), then you simply say ok and leave quickly, depart scot-free into cleaner, odourless air. Voila.

I might discuss the science of fart in a later blog entry. I feel it coming on.